Being pregnant is a victory and triumph. It is a miracle that, even if you experience it differently, is not a simple task. It is complex, complicated, at a point inexplicable and by virtue of this - absolutely awe-inspiring. That accomplishment deserves a loud colorful scream - I did it! I did this! Look at what my body can do! Celebrate!
Meet Hate.
Hate is a very time consuming, energy sucking, and destructive pet. Not only does he ruin every rug in the house, pilfer every cabinet and consume all food; he is sure to eventually eat you. And you will be Dead.
For this reason, I do not recommend Hate. When you are in sustained pain or in a series of painful events, Hate may lurk under the porch light. My advice, let pain swell, listen to Hate knocking, but leave him at the door. He is not for you. You are better off.
No Pain is better than Hate. But being the absence of something is boring and shapeless. It is the epitome of “Eh” with a shoulder shrug. No Pain is numb, dull, anesthetized and blobby. No Pain will not kill you but will definitely waste your time and life.
If you are looking for a permanent companion, I do not recommend No Pain. There may be moments when you welcome No Pain; after a visit from Hate, or a really tough day at work or in the family. But No Pain should always be a temporary acquaintance.
I guarantee you will love Love. Everyone loves Love. Love feels good, warm, comfortable, life affirming and joyful. Love is a warm kiss and hug, a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle, a heart bursting life affirmation, a good laugh, a connection and a purpose. Love promises much and can deliver on it and more.
I promise, you will be happy with this companion. Love is an excellent choice.
But, Love is only as good as her conditions.
For an even better life companion, I recommend a special crossbreed that will bring all the benefits of Love plus a thousand more. This crossbreed brings purpose, satisfaction, energy, empowerment, meaning, wisdom and unconditional Love. She may not be as beautiful, neat or symmetrical as Love, but this partnership will change your world, challenge you and return more than you expected.
This happens when Love is bred with a healthy understanding and acceptance of your Fear.
Warning: This interbreeding takes time, tending, reflection, constant care and a lot of forgiveness. But, it is when these two opposites interbreed that a life of magic can unfold. When you commit to live with Love while embracing your Fear, you are unstoppable.
This is living with Courage, a perfect companion.
We should celebrate baseline mammograms like a birthday, anniversary or graduation.
Mammograms usher in a new era. Let’s make it official and celebrate. In this era, I take the bodies of my friends and loved ones who age with me side by side. A party is necessary.
Technically, I “do not have a history of breast or ovarian cancer” in my family. This is routine.
But, I have a history of cancer; ovarian, breast or otherwise.
I have a history of cancer. I own this history.
This is what I speak of when I say a mammogram is sign of turning 40. Aging brings the continual pile of stories and we are wise to listen.
So when the technician pointed at her screen and said, “Here, come and look at this.” I held my boiling feelings in check. She was painfully inscrutable.
I looked and thought how achingly beautiful.
That was my breast with lovely web-like trestles, like palm prints, keeping history. That was my opaque muscle cradling it. That was my story; my puberty, my first bra, my sexuality, the humble pride, my first love, the assault and guilt, the sun bathing, my cleavage, the tight-or-loose shirt, swollen from pregnancy, aching from breastfeeding, my milk-giving children’s body, cradling them then slowly turning away and now my own but never the same. And now to be examined indefinitely.
We should celebrate a baseline mammogram because left unto themselves, they sting and stench of aging and forgetting.
But if we listen, they tell our stories and we are all wise to listen.
I should mention, the technician wanted to show me my pectoral muscle which extends significantly longer than average and revealed my “tremendous upper body strength.” Another story in the mammogram.
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I’ve been sporadically working on my son’s Dragon and have some in-progress pictures here. I was inspired by a picture he drew with passionate energy. The post has been a lovely vignette of an enchanting kids painting in-progress (written with a touch of sarcasm).
But now
Maybe I did. I can’t remember clearly. There was a rush of something – maybe adrenaline – that clouded my vision, my heart beat accelerated and a trembling wave of shock radiated from my chest. Thinking rationally – gone. Control of my hands – gone.
The watercolor has a mind of its own! I can’t control it! Oh My God! Its running all the way into the green! The yellow! Oh no the yellow! All the hours in this painting lost. Where are the Q-Tips! They aren’t working! F*ck Watercolors!
I dropped the Q-Tips and brushes.
I. Must. Walk. Away.
Breathe.
It is so trite and cliche. I’ve seen it before, not original, definitely done somewhere else by someone else more skilled. A kids vision. Not sophisticated. I’m stealing his vision because I have no vision. I’m an idiot in over my head. The rainbow is too much, I can’t handle it. This is taking me too long.
I love the story. I love my son. I love the way this painting has pushed me. I love the crazy colors. I love that Daire made the lower jaw bigger because when the dragon closes his mouth you can’t see how big his teeth are. I love that he breathes fire and water and stars. The dragon has no arms. Poor little arm-less dragon, I love you.
Sigh.
And Repeat.
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An act of gratitude or desire, a prayer is cast. Molded in mauve and tangerine corral awash on the shore. Sprayed on the ocean foam, in puffer-fish and burgundy and cantaloupe crabs. Written in the sighs of sea pebbles collected by children like papayas and pineapples. Alighted across the sunset sky, a tequila dream, a constricted wish misplaced. A heron’s feet ablaze. The pelican’s eyes. The parrots’ squawking wake up call. And a butterfly. These are prayers.
Watercolor 9″ x 12″
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Original Painting: Sold
Personalized Limited Edition Print (of 25) : $45 What’s special about a limited edition print? Click on my Print Options
10 Pack 5″ x 7″ Art Cards: $35
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An idea emerges. Sometimes years go by, other times a moment to birth. The sweet anticipation, not knowing where it will lead but it will change something or everything. The exhilaration felt on a roller coaster, looking down at that first great descent. As this idea emerges, so does exhilaration. If we follow it we change our lives in millimeters or miles but choose to lead our lives.
watercolor 12″ x 9″
When our bodies betray us what works suddenly fails. It leaves frightening, crippling, questions and an uncertain future. A hole in the heart chambers mixes oxygenated red cells and de-oxygenated blue cells and causes fainting, weakness and an erratic heart beat. The brush with the unknown couldn’t be unthinkable death?
And modern medicine is the answer. Heart surgery, an ablation procedure and a little synthetic fan-like device can re-gift a healthy life, strength, a rhythmic heart, a singing open spirit, laughter and revived perspective.
But more, a perceptive soul listens closely to a failing heart. It speaks and wisely leads the way to a renewed identity of meaning, humanity and faith.
Watercolor 16″ x 12″
This painting was custom work for Kristen Johnson who asked me to paint her heart. The 26 year old had two heart surgeries to fix the hole in her heart. After her first surgery at 22, she woke and knew that her future needed to be helping others with heart problems. As a result, she finished nursing school and is now a cardiac ICU nurse. This commission is one of the first gifts she has given herself with a “real paycheck” since becoming a nurse.
Creating this painting was a mutual gift. It was an honor and joy to celebrate Kristen’s story.
“I have to say -I got it home and read the thing (story card) and looked at the painting and cried a good little cry. It is perfect. You did an amazing job and I love it.” Kirsten Johnson.
Kristen sent me the following images to work from.
After reflection, I sent Kirsten a quick watercolor sketch of where I wanted to take the image.
Upon agreement, I began the painting process, updating her everyday with progress reports.
Until the final one emerged with a lovely glow than rightfully matches Kristen’s spirit.
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A vision is not only of healing which includes a bouquet of “nots”; not injured, not scared, not limping, not hurt, not in pain. Recovery is a loud resounding life-affirming “Yes!” It is power, strength and courage. It is willfully taking back, becoming wiser then achieving goals deemed impossible while pain ruled.
Watercolor 24″ x 18″
Original Painting Overhead Squat I: $325 
Personalized Limited Edition Print Overhead Squat I (of 25) : $65 What’s special about a limited edition print? Click on my Print Options
Original Painting Overhead Squat II: $250
Personalized Limited Edition Print Overhead Squat II (of 25) : $65 What’s special about a limited edition print? Click on my Print Options
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Injury happens in many forms; of the heart, body or mind. It is rare that one injury doesn’t affect all three. In each case, a pattern emerges that changes our psychological, biological and perceptual landscape ushering in transformation, learning and new perspectives.
My disc herniated and impinged my nerve root. A small fissure that stole my ability to walk, gave me daily pain and new relationship with my husband and children. The once strong, both physically and mentally, was torn and weak. Tears. Despair. Fear. Pain. Retreat. I clung to painting, to ground me and reflect, to create artifacts of injury and healing and to learn and recreate.
What is left after injury?
There is gratitude. I am grateful to be pain-free, for progress, walking, my husband’s care, my daughters gymnastic meets and Pokemon with my son.
There is discovery and re-creation. I have grounded myself, created a new vision, a plan for healing and settled in a new identity.
There is hope. That I emerge stronger, wiser and gifted.
There is acceptance. The world that was is no longer, a new unknown one is beginning.
There is memory. The heart, body and mind will not forget.
At times, our most beloved feel most distant and those closest most mysterious. Their landscape is illusive, incomplete, and barely graspable. The more complex, the more unknowable. The more loved, the more blind.
Watercolor 16″ x 12″
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